Why Me?

I will never know why I got cancer. I'll never know whether this experience is part of a greater plan or was some type of metaphysical purpose being fulfilled or whether -- as some doctors have suggested -- it was just plain bad luck. Of all the uncertainty I have faced in the last few weeks, I think that this is where the greatest "greyness" lies (and will always lie) for me.

I have thought about the question of "Why me?" probably a million times since I was diagnosed. Not in a self-pitying way (I honestly don't feel any self-pity), but rather out of a sense of pure curiosity. Why did this happen to me? What I am supposed to learn from this experience? How will this change my life, my priorities, my entire way of being? How will this experience forever shape and mold the person that I am intended to be? To where does this path lead?

I am reading an interesting book right now called Fighting Cancer From Within (by Martin Rossman). In it the author writes:
Opportunities as well as challenges can arise from having cancer. One of these is the opportunity to clarify what you really believe to be true about yourself, your relationships, and your relationship to life. The fear and uncertainly that so often vividly accompany cancer also seem to be fertile ground for bringing to mind our beliefs about where life comes from, where it goes after death, and what it means while we are here. Although cancer is by no means a death sentence, it often brings thoughts of death and mortality much more into the foreground of our awareness. This is stressful, but it can also be surprisingly vitalizing. It seems that there are a few things better than contemplation of our own mortality for bringing a certain sense of vitality and appreciativeness to life.

Another author (Wayne Muller) writes:
If we buy the illusion that we will live forever, we can waste all the time in the world before we start to live...Proximity to death wakes us up...to embrace death is not morbid; to deny death is morbid. If we know we will die, then we know that we are alive. From this mindful awareness can spring a variety of practices that deepen and enrich our time on this earth.

I have such an overwhelming feeling in my heart that I am going to make it through this whole experience cancer-free. I think that it is this feeling that allows me to sit back and reflect on this experience through a lens of curiosity rather than of fear. I will never know why I was given this path to follow, but I know with unwavering certainty that I want something positive to come from it.

I have to believe that many of you who are reading this blog are wondering to yourself, "How does Julie really feel about her diagnosis? Is she ever scared? Does she think about dying? How has this experience changed her life and her priorities?" But I also have to believe that there are deeper thoughts you might have, buried below the surface, which include "What if it were ME that got this diagnosis? How would I respond?" I know that most of my friends (luckily) have not had to stare mortality in the face quite as closely as I have in these past few weeks. And since the human spirit, by nature, tends to avoid toeing the edge of this cliff as much as possible, I have to assume that most of you have probably not willingly contemplated your own mortality. But it is a fact of life. And so I challenge each one of you to imagine the following: Imagine that you were told today that you have only one more year to live. What would you do differently? What changes would you make in your life? If you are anything like me, you would do the following:
> You would get your financial situation in order (e.g., eliminate any debt, invest your extra money in ways that it will grow) so that you are not leaving behind a financial mess for your loved ones;
> You would spend less money on material things like clothes, jewelry and cars (since these items lose their importance instantly when you are confronted with a finite amount of time to live);
> You would rearrange your priorities and schedule so that you had more time to spend with people whom you love and with people who make you happy and in doing the things that bring you pleasure;
> If you have children, you would spend as much time as possible with them so that they are left with an indelible imprint of your love and your values;
> You would spend as much time as possible outdoors soaking up all the wonderful things that nature has to offer;
> You would scramble to figure out what special talents you have that can be used to make the world a better place for generations to come and you would act quickly to affect those changes;
> You would make an enormous effort to eliminate anything that is not helping your body to grow stronger and live longer (e.g., smoking, drinking, eating unhealthy/processed foods, or even negative attitudes and thoughts) and you would focus your energy instead on those things that can help your body grow stronger (e.g., laughing, praying, acupuncture, eating healthy/organic foods, visualization) in the hopes that you can stretch the year that you have been given into two or three or ten or fifty;
> And you would probably spend time contemplating the meaning of life and the meaning of death so that you develop a sense of peace in your heart about what "life" really means.

And so now that you have done that exercise and have identified the things that you would change, I also challenge you to make these changes today. And I mean TODAY -- not tomorrow, not after the ski trip you have planned next week, not after you get the big promotion at work, not after you have one more drink. Make these changes today! These are the changes that I am making -- regardless of the fact that I am feeling positive about my outcome -- because whether I die next year or tomorrow or in 50 years, the reality is that I cannot avoid death and when the time comes I don't want to have any regrets! I don't ever want to look back and wonder "What if I had only done X? Would doing X have provided me another year to spend with the people I love with all my heart?"

As Rossman states in his book: "Perhaps it is not so much for us to find meaning in life as to give meaning to what life brings us. The issue is not whether you will live or die -- you will do both. The issue is how you live your life and what legacy you chose to leave when your time does come."

Okay, enough serious lecturing from me!! I promise that I won't make a habit of it, but since today was the start of my chemo and radiation I am allowing myself a little latitude! :)