Well, I am back now from the retreat and I am happy to report that I stayed the whole time! There were definitely moments when I wanted to leave, to get back in the car and tuck this whole "cancer experience" conveniently in the back of my mind. But I forced myself to stay and in the end, I think that it was worth it.
The hardest part about the weekend was that there were no other women there to whom I could fully relate. I was the only participant at the retreat who has colon cancer (in fact, 12 of the 14 attendees had breast cancer!) so that was difficult. Many of the other women were able to easily relate to each other since they have gone through similar treatments and/or had similar surgeries. Plus, I was also the youngest participant -- most of the other women were late 40's through 60's, and so I also felt a bit distanced from them for that reason as well. But overall, I found that the speakers and the activities were all very informative and therapeutic (I'll share more details when I have more time). And the women who organized the event were very inspirational.
I also found that it was incredibly relaxing and helpful to be in a place where I could let my guard down. I don't think that I realized how stressful it has been to try to "keep my happy face on" around my children. Being in a wonderful, safe environment surrounded by other women and caretakers who could completely relate to my confusion, sadness and anger allowed me to feel comfortable in releasing a lot of emotion that has been bottled up for the past few weeks. I think that I cried more this past weekend than I have since the first few days after learning about my diagnosis!
So, all in all, I am glad that I went. I don't know if I will keep in touch with any of the women, but I will definitely keep them in my heart and I will pray for their health and well-being. There were many women at the retreat who showed the tell-tale signs of cancer treatment (as I initially feared) but I learned first-hand that, just because a women does not have any hair left or because her body has been weakened by chemo, her spirit can still remain intact and can still be an incredibly strong and life-sustaining force. Cancer treatment may kill the cancer (and, unfortunately, many healthy cells at the same time!) but it can never, ever reach the spirit unless you let it. And so it is the positive, radiant, grounded spirits of these women that I will carry with me on my own journey.
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How to use this calendar
When prompted, login:
USERNAME: Juliesfriends@yahoo.com
PASSWORD: goawaybitch
Once you are in:
>Choose the "Yes, add this calendar" option
>Look for open times on the schedule (if there is no one's name on an event, it's up for grabs!)
>Click on the green event box, then click on "Edit Event Details"
>Delete the words "Still Up for Grabs" and replace with your own name
PLEASE NOTE:
Please do not add additional dinner delivery dates to the calendar...just keep moving forward week-by-week until you find a date that no one has grabbed yet. The dates on the calendar were provided by Pete and Julie, who can only eat so much at a time! :)
2 comments:
Way to go Julie! I'm so glad that you stuck it out. And I completely understand wanting to be around women that you would naturally relate to otherwise. We watched a Wonder Woman re-run this weekend ... and you've got Linda Carter beat hands down!
I have very dear friends that are a bi-racial couple. She is white and he a very dark skinned black man. Once on a visit to York, a place with many bi-racial couples, we went to brunch at a restaurant in which he was the only person of color, any color at all. It occured to me that he must notice that there is NO ONE in this place who looks like him, yet he never even seemed to notice! I feel like that on some days. I go into stores and church and schools and know that I am the only Mommy without hair. I look at other cancer patients and search for the tell tale rash that says they have lung cancer and are being treated with Tarceva. I look at all of the posters for support for lung or colon cancer and I find nothing. So I guess dear Julie, we will have to be so unique that people will ask, then they will talk and soon, we will be able to help EVERYONE with or without cancer to understand that NOW is the time for a cure!
There are fifty beads on my rosary, I will add your new "friends" to them!
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