Weekly Check-In

Today was my weekly check-in with my radiation oncologist (Dr Poen) and my chemo oncologist (Dr Gullion) and both appointments went really well. My blood counts have all remained stable since last week (my white blood cell count actually improved slightly), and both of my doctors were "thrilled" to hear that I am beginning to have symptoms. Their reaction was surprising to Pete and I, but they explained that the formula they use to determine how much chemo to administer is less than perfect. It's basically based on my height and weight, but is not sophisticated enough to take into consideration my specific biochemistry (e.g., how well my body metabolizes medications.) And so it's a bit of a guessing game as to how much of the chemo drugs to give. The fact that I am now exhibiting typical chemo and radiation symptoms (e.g., fatigue; dry/cracked lips; abdominal cramping; nausea; diarrhea) indicates that the treatment is working. And for me this means that the Bitch is getting walloped -- WOO HOO! In fact, Dr Poen said that, in his experience, patients who show the greatest degree of symptoms also seem have the best overall responses. Go, symptoms, go!!

But the challenge is that we now begin a bit of a balancing act -- my doctors need to make sure that my symptoms don't become too debilitating and cause other, equally serious, problems. For example, if the diarrhea gets too severe I might become too dehydrated and malnourished. Or if the nausea continues I might lose my appetite all-together and begin losing too much weight. Apparently, based on my height/weight, there is a standard range of medication levels and they have been treating me at the highest level possible -- they have been "throwing the kitchen sink at me," if you will. If the symptoms become too severe, they will need to cut back on the level or even stop the chemo for a few days to allow my body to recover. And I obviously don't want that to happen!!

So now we are in all out "symptom reduction" mode. Which means that I am no longer eating anything high fiber, I am taking anti-nausea pills, I am keeping my lips constantly smeared with Vaseline so that I can even open my mouth to eat, and I am napping like crazy. And I keep reminding myself that I only have to hang in there for 3 more weeks and then I'll be done with Phase I. I can survive anything for 3 weeks -- piece of cake!! The problem is that Dr Poen predicts that my symptoms will likely get worse before they get better. And seeing as he basically predicted almost to the day when symptoms would even start, I have a sinking feeling that he is right. So I am fearful of what the coming weeks hold in store. But I also keeping hanging on to the knowledge that I only have one chance to beat this awful cancer out of my body. I HAVE to survive through these symptoms -- no matter how awful they become -- because I might not get another chance!!! So I am going to do everything in my power to make it through these next few weeks at the highest level of treatment possible by focusing on just putting one foot in front of the other and taking each day as it comes. I can't think too far out -- I just need to focus on getting through each day, each hour, each moment.

This is my mountain. No one said that the climb would be easy. I know that I can do it, though...I have to. I have no choice -- I WANT TO LIVE!