My Life Line

Last night, as Pete and I were snuggling into bed I turned to him and said, "I really need to figure out a way to come to peace with having a port-a-cath and going through chemo and radiation. I am afraid that if I don't my mind and my body will fight these and then the drugs won't be as effective." I must have dreamed about this during the night because when I awoke this morning I actually did feel more at peace.

I went for a very loooong run this morning (I figured it was my last time to run without random tubes sticking out of my body) and while I was running, I began to think about the story I wrote which kicked off this entire blog, the one about "My Mountain." As I ran, I could feel the Earth pounding solidly beneath my feet and all around me the breath-taking mountains and ocean filled my view, and I slowly came to envision that the port-a-cath I am having implanted is nothing more than a carabiner. And that the tubing which will connect my carabiner to the chemo pump is simply the first "rope" that is being dropped down to me by my doctors.

My friend, Isae (who is a cancer survivor herself) wrote me yesterday and shared that when she went through this experience a number of years ago, she was also terrified of starting chemo. She reassured me, though, that it wasn't as bad as she thought it was going to be and obviously she is here to share her story and so it clearly didn't kill her. And one of my best friends, Maity, also wrote to tell me that her mom has had a port-a-cath for a few years because of breast cancer that she has battled. Maity and I must be on the same wave-length because she suggested that I think of the port-a-cath as simply "part of the equipment I need for my climb." So as I head off to my surgery appointment in just a few minutes, I have a new mental image that I am now focused on...

I squint into the brilliant sun and look way, way, way up to the very top of my mountain, and I watch as my doctors throw down the carabiner that they want me to fasten onto my body. This carabiner will wrap tightly around the life line -- which they will throw down to me next -- and will ensure that I stay firmly and securely attached to those at the top. At the very top of the mountain I can also see my friends Isae and Maity, with their bright smiles and beautiful faces, and they are yelling to me, "Take the rope, Julie! Grab the rope! It is not going to kill you -- you'll be fine! I promise." And I see all of my other friends and family yelling and screaming, "Don't be scared, Julie, the rope is safe! Trust your doctors -- the rope will save you!" And so, I again lay my faith in God that he is guiding me along the correct path back up this mountain and I slowly and carefully begin to gear up for my long, long climb.

car·a·bi·ner /ˌkærəˈbinər/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[kar-uh-bee-ner] - noun - a D-shaped ring with a spring catch on one side, used for fastening ropes in mountaineering