Moving Toward No Regret

I have had countless people encourage me to turn this blog into a book when this whole experience is behind me. In fact, a very funny friend of mine put it bluntly: "Of course you should write a book -- exploit the damn Bitch!" Ha, ha!

I realized this morning, though, that there are really only two reasons that I would turn my writings into a book. One is so that I can re-read it myself in the years to come. I hope and pray that I have many, many, MANY more years ahead of me and that this whole experience becomes nothing more than a "blip" in my life. But even if that is the case, I expect that many of the details of this experience will quietly fade over time, slowly replaced by happier memories or more "urgent" issues. And while I look forward to the time when my mind is no longer filled with such fear and sadness, I also don't ever want to forget what I have learned. I don't ever want to become complacent about life and forget how precious every day is. I want to continue to live every moment and make every decision in such a way that I have no regrets. I want to always remember what it feels like to know that I am mortal and that life does not last forever, so that I never waste another moment doing things which are unimportant rather than things which really matter.

I would also like to turn these writings into a book so that someday, when they are old enough, my children can read it. Fortunately, my children are too young to truly understand the magnitude of what I am battling, but someday they will understand. And when that time comes, I hope that they will read what I have written and gain a very solid understanding of who I am as a person and the values that I think are important. Hopefully, through my writing, they will learn that courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the strength to move forward in the face of fear. And hopefully they will learn that I believe strongly in a Higher Power. And that I believe if we can quiet our minds and our hearts and come to a place within ourselves where we can be very clear about what we truly want from life, that this Higher Power will often lead us down the path we have chosen. And hopefully they will learn that I think the most important thing a person can do in life is to recognize that life is finite, it is not a "dress rehearsal." And so the most important thing that an individual can do in life is to ensure that every choice he or she makes -- whether it's the work you choose, the products you buy, the foods you eat, the life partner you select (or an infinite number of other choices we make every day) -- that every choice is made in such a way that there will never be any regrets. This is not to say that mistakes won't be made (e.g., you think that you want one thing but later realize the true cost of that choice) or that choices won't change as life evolves. But in my mind "having no regrets" means taking the time on a regular basis (once a year? once a month?) to make sure that your life is aligned to your values. And when it is not, having the courage and strength to make the necessary changes.

I am a firm believer that there is a silver lining in every situation, no matter how awful the situation may be. For me, being diagnosed with cancer has given me such a fresh, new perspective on life. There are definitely things that I was doing and choices that I made prior to my diagnosis which were not aligned to my own values. And so simultaneous to my medical treatment, I am also using this time to re-evaluate my own life choices (e.g., what type of work do I want to do once I am done with treatment; what is the right family/work balance for me; what products or foods did I used to buy that I don't ever want in my home again; how do I want to spend my time; how do I want to spend -- or not spend -- my money). I feel grateful, though, that I am still alive and have the benefit of newfound insight to re-think my choices. I am infinitely grateful that it's not too late for me to move toward a life of no regret.