I think one of the hardest parts about having cancer is the incredibly unpredictable roller-coaster ride that accompanies the diagnosis. Some days -- like yesterday -- I feel really great. I feel like my body is healthy and strong and completely capable of fighting this cancer. I think of all the people who have beaten cancer (even when it has metastasized) and I think that there is no reason in the world why I can't be one of those people. In fact, there are times that I even think that it's already gone. And so I feel incredibly positive about what the future holds in store, even if my liver is involved (which on days like yesterday, I find hard to believe!) and I feel confident that everything will be fine.
And then, without warning, I have days like today where I am completely overwhelmed by the seriousness and scariness of my diagnosis. I don't really know how or when today started to spiral downward, but it ended with me as a sobbing mess on the couch and Pete trying to offer me whatever advice he could think of. All I kept thinking about was that my children are way too young to lose their mother and that I don't want to die before I get the chance to watch them grow up. Even now -- almost three months into this -- I am still in total disbelief that this is actually my life. I keep thinking this should be a story that I am just reading about...a story that is happening to someone else, not me. How did this happen to me??? How did this become my life???
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2 comments:
Julie~
"This" isn't your life anymore than infertility was. "This" is but a moment and it, too, shall pass! Easier said than done, I know. You are STILL in control!
Hugs,
Deirdre
Julie,
You are the healthiest patient in the world at the best medical center in the world with the best support system in the world.
You will beat this. You getting upset about this is like Shannon worrying that I will overexert myself by cleaning up the house too much-- wasted tears!!!
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