End of Phase 1

So today is my last day of Phase 1. I have my last radiation treatment at 2:30pm and I go upstairs immediately afterwards to have the chemo pump disconnected. A huge part of me feels like screaming "Hallelujah!" at the top of my lungs. I will be soooo happy to be done with the treatments for awhile and to allow my body to heal. This has been the hardest thing I have ever had to go through and I feel completely exhausted and extremely ready to take a break.

But, at the same time, I can't help but think that it's not like I am simply running a marathon. The stakes of this "race" are so much higher -- in fact, the stakes of this race are as high as they come. After today, I will have had 28 radiation treatments and 38 days of chemo. But how do the doctors know that those are the magical numbers? How do they know that I don't need 30 radiation treatments? Or 50 days of chemo? Supposedly, this is the "standard" treatment schedule for my type of cancer, but I have to believe that my body is stronger than most other patients with this type of cancer. What if that means that my tumor is stronger as well? Maybe the Bitch is not dead yet. What if, while my own body is healing and getting stronger, she is able to do the same?

I am terrified of ending up like White House Press Secretary Tony Snow in a couple years, with cancer lesions showing up in other parts of my body. Given his political position, I am sure that he has had access to excellent medical care. As he was going through his first phase of treatment, I am confident that his doctors did everything they could to ensure that they eliminated all of his cancer. He might even have had 28 radiation treatments and 38 days of chemo, just like me. Or maybe he had even more! But it doesn't matter...it didn't work...his cancer has come back. So what if my treatment doesn't work either? What if 28 and 38 are not enough? What if I shouldn't stop running yet? What if I need to run for another 10 or 20 or 30 days? I am completely exhausted by everything that I have gone through so far, but I would keep going and going if my doctors would let me! I am so incredibly afraid to stop running!!

I don't really know how I will ever get past this fear. I can tuck it safely in the back of my mind most of the time (like when my children are around or when friends come to visit and help to distract me), but it will always be there. And it's such an overwhelming burden to carry.