The Benefits of Child-Free Church

Pete and I had the opportunity to go to church last night "child-free" and it was soooo lovely!

Don't get me wrong...I love exposing my boys to church and nurturing their spiritual side. And I realize that the best -- and possibly only -- way for young children to learn and understand "appropriate" church behavior is to actually go to church and live the experience. But I also have to say that it was really, really nice to go by ourselves. For the first time in quite awhile we did not have to discretely fetch a toy that had been hurled 5 pews ahead, or rescue Lovey Bear from his impromptu bath in the baptismal pool, or keep Kyle from joining Father Tarantino at the alter, or explain to Luke in whispers why taking over the entire pew to have bloody Power Ranger battles during service is not really appropriate. Instead, we actually got to soak in every word of Father Tarantino's sermon and reflect on its meaning for our lives. And, if I didn't know better, I'd swear he wrote the entire homily specifically for me!

He talked at length about living a life of "no regrets" and his message was incredibly similar to the one I have been espousing: that life is not a dress rehearsal and you might never get another chance to live the life that you want if you don't start today. Interestingly, Father Tarantino is also a cancer survivor (he is a 30+ year survivor of leukemia) and so we share a common bond. We have both stood at the same precipice; we have both confronted the same overwhelming fears. And so, listening to his sermon, I couldn't help but feel that he was speaking directly to me. I have reached the point emotionally on this climb that I fully admit my mind is scrambling to find the exit door. I want sooooo badly to be done with treatment!! I want sooo badly for Dr Gullion to tell me that he doesn't recommend that I do any more cycles. I just want to collapse in a heap and let my body recover. But I also know in my heart that if I don't finish all eight sessions and if this cancer were ever to come back I would be filled with so much regret. And so, I like to think that God personally delivered me to church yesterday so that He could give me a little pep talk and He made sure that my boys were cared for elsewhere so that I could actually listen to what he had to say. :)

There was something else that Father Tarantino said in his homily which resonated with me. He promised that God will guide me to whatever my next path in life is suppose to be. I really needed to hear this message and now I really need to embrace it. As the top of my mountain becomes nearer and nearer, I find myself becoming more and more anxious about what my "post cancer" life is suppose to be. I have talked with other cancer survivors about this and it seems that the anxiety I feel is not unique to me -- many other survivors also want to emerge from this experience and lead a more "purpose driven" life -- but that doesn't necessarily help. I still spend a ridiculous amount of each day wondering what the heck I am suppose to do with myself next. I have some strong feelings about what I DON'T want to do and some definite opinions about what DOES inspires me, but nothing has fully crystalized.

I have spoken to God more times that I can count over these past 8 months. I have never asked him "Why me?" The answer doesn't matter...my situation is what it is. Rather, every time I speak to Him I say the same thing: "God, I WANT to live! I NEED to live! I have so much still to offer this world. You blessed me with many strengths and abilities....Help me to understand what my path in life is suppose to be and I promise that I will accomplish great things." And so it was helpful for me to be reminded by Father Tarantino that I just need to be patient and keep my eyes wide open.