The Mysterious Hole

One of the alternative therapies that I have been experimenting with throughout my treatment is something called guided imagery. Guided imagery is basically the practice of creating self-directed images in your mind. In my case, I am doing this so that I can call upon these images in times of need (for instance, tomorrow as I am being wheeled in for surgery) in order to reduce my anxiety.

Every time the guided imagery session begins, my therapist asks me to think of a "healing place". This is a place where I imagine myself to be that is very comforting, soothing and relaxing. It doesn't always have to be the same place, but somehow I always find my mind drawn to the Marin Headlands, which is a national park preserve down the road from our house. In particular, I envision myself to be on the trail where I always run or at the beach at the end of the trail (Tennessee Valley Beach). I think the reason my mind is drawn to this area is because every time I am I there I reflect on the fact that there must be a God somewhere because places this beautiful cannot exist merely by accident.

The last time I met with my therapist she asked me to also create an image in my mind that represents my body. It only took a split second for the beautiful cliffs at Tennessee Valley Beach to come to mind. The mountainside on the north side of the beach is absolutely stunning; the cliffs that face the ocean drop dramatically straight down and are pounded by the waves day-in and day-out. In the spring, the hillside that faces away from the ocean is covered in gorgeous yellow flowers and at any time of the year you can see a variety of wildlife scurrying around. The most spectacular thing about the cliff, though, is that a huge hole exists in the side of it. You don't notice the hole at first as you approach the beach from the trail, since it is hidden by the natural contours of the mountainside. The hole is only seen by those who venture off the trail and onto the beach, closer to the waters-edge. No one know for sure how the hole got there. Did it start as a small clam hole that grew larger and larger over time? Did the sands and crashing water slowly erode the rock until a hole was formed? The true answer will always be a mystery, and the mysteriousness simply adds to its beauty.



The thought of this cliff, with it's stunning hole in the middle and the ocean waves crashing relentlessly at it's base, reminds me of myself. After tomorrow, I will also have a "hole" in the middle of me. Just like my cliff at Tennessee Valley Beach, we will never know exactly what caused my hole...was it genetics? Or something in the environment? Or something about my diet? Or simply bad luck? We'll never know...the true cause will always remain a mystery. But again, just like my cliff, the fact that I have a hole in the middle of me will not diminish my strength. It will not affect my ability to stand tall and strong against the winds of time, nor will it cause me to crumble under the crashing of the waves at my feet. The hole will simply be a mysterious part of me that makes me who I am.

I will be hanging on tight to this image tomorrow and in the weeks and months to come... I need this image to remind me that I am strong enough to get through whatever lies ahead. I need this image to remind me that sometimes imperfections can be breathtakingly beautiful. And I need this image to remind me that only God can create something as beautiful and as mysterious as life, and that he is with me every step of this journey.