Well, I am home now from my chemo treatment. All in all, it was pretty uneventful and easy; I just kicked back in a recliner chair for about 4 hours while the nurse administered the various different drugs to me via an IV that was hooked up to my port (Remember my good 'ol port? The"carabiner" in my upper chest which caused me so much trouble early on? Well, it's back in action again!)
The first drug that the nurse gave me was an anti-nausea drug to prevent the other drugs from, well, making me nauseous. The second drug was a hefty dose of calcium-magnesium, which apparently helps to alleviate some of the side effects of the chemo drugs. The pleasant side effect of this treatment is that it made me feel very relaxed and sleepy. Interestingly, the woman sitting next to me (who was in her 60's and being treated for breast cancer) told me that she takes calcium-magnesium pills to help prevent menopause-induced osteoporosis and she said that she finally started taking the pills at night since she found that calcium-magnesium had the same effect on her (e.g., relaxation and sleepiness)...hmmm, maybe this will become my new healthy sleeping aid! The third drug was actually a combination of two different drugs: Leucovorin and Oxaliplatin. Leucovorin is technically not a chemo drug, but rather a type of vitamin which helps the other chemo drugs kill cancer cells more effectively. And Oxaliplatin is a chemotherapy medication that doesn't allow cancer cells to divide and grow normally and ultimately causes tumor cell death. I love the sound of that!! Then I got one more dose of calcium-magnesium and, finally, I was hooked up to a continuous-infusion pump again which contains the same drug that I took before (5-FU). Unlike last time (when I had the continuous pump for 6 weeks), I will only need to be hooked up this time until Wednesday morning. At that point, I'll get "unhooked" and be free to heal for 12 days before I go back in again for the same protocol.
So, like I said, pretty uneventful. Well, in theory, anyway. The reality is that I sat in the chair for 4 hours fighting back tears and slowly feeling the rumblings of random side effects starting. For example, I now have a sore throat (which the nurse said is normal), and mild neuropathy, which is a sensitivity in the mouth, throat, hands and feet to cold (again, totally normal). And for some weird reason, I get shooting pains in my eyebrows when I am about to cry (hmmm, not so normal, but the nurse didn't seemed concerned). I had heard that the side effects wouldn't really start for a few days, and so the fact that they are starting already is only adding to my despair. I really, really don't want to be doing this!! I want a normal life back! I don't want to have cancer anymore!
Both Pete and my parents could sense that I was out of sorts today and they all probed as to what they could do to make things better, but the reality is that there is nothing anyone can do. I don't have a choice...I just need to keep moving forward, one foot in front of the other, day by day. There will inevitably be days when I just feel like crying, because there is no getting around the fact that this whole thing sucks. And so, on those days, I'll cry for awhile and I'll feel sorry for myself and I'll probably be a bit miserable to be around, but hopefully everyone will understand and just give me time and space to grieve. And I know that eventually I will pick myself up, brush off the dust and focused again on the positives and on the many silver linings of this experience. I know that I will...this is just who I am. And since there is no better time than the present, here we go...
The positives for today:
1) I have one treatment down, and only 7 more to go
2) Once I am done with these treatments, I will never look back with any regrets
3) Any and all remaining cancer cells are being pummelled right now
4) I am blessed with an incredible number of wonderful friends and family to see me through this, which is something that many people don't have.
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2 comments:
Hi Honey, I wish I could speed up the next few months for you. You are amazing and you will come through this (thank you God) better than ever. We've got you in our prayers and will start saying them double time right now. Love you,
Shan
5) You get 4 hours every few weeks to sit. In a chair. Without getting up to get a cup for milk, or to put on the shirt because it's not going on right, or to pick up the truck even though you already told them to, or to get the towel because the bathwater is burning holes in his eye sockets if you don't get the towel IMMEDIATELY....
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