My friend, Lisa, just send me the BEST present ever: a holiday elf video clip that she made for us that is absolutely hysterical. The boys and I were completely cracking up this morning watching it and I think they made me watch it at least fifty times...
Check it out: http://www.elfyourself.com/?id=1453249490
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Friday, December 14, 2007
Long-Awaited Update
Since five different people -- within the span of five days -- have emailed and/or called me to say that they miss reading my blog updates and want to know how I am doing, I decided that it's time for me to come out of "hibernation" and actually post an update...
There are a number of reasons why I haven't written in weeks. The most simple and clear-cut is that life with kids (especially during the holidays) can be crazy busy, as many of you know. But I cannot blame my silence entirely on that -- I would be exaggerating to say that I haven't had one spare moment to write in the last 5 weeks and that it's entirely because of the kids. I think that the real reason I haven't written is more complicated and can, in part, be attributed to the fact that once my chemo treatment ended I was so incredibly ready to embrace a "normal" cancer-free life again and writing regularly in my blog didn't necessarily fit into that picture. While it definitely took a couple weeks after my final treatment for me to start feeling a sense of relief (it's hard to truly feel "relief" when you still feel completely lousy), once I started feeling well there was no holding back. I have embraced "normalcy" with every ounce of strength that I have: I am back to my old routine of dropping the kids off at school and picking them up every day, I try to work out 4-5 times a week, our house is beautifully decorated for the holidays and much of my Christmas shopping is done, I am immersed in a pro-bono marketing consulting project for the American Cancer Society and have also been talking to a number of other companies about paid consulting work (which I hope to start in February, but more on that later), and Pete and I (or just me when Pete is working late) are trying to pack in loads of fun holiday activities with the kids. All very "normal", all very time-consuming, and all a very welcome reprieve and distraction from thinking about cancer.
I don't mean to imply that everything is totally peachy-keen. While I am definitely feeling better than I did during my chemo weeks, I still have lingering symptoms which remind me constantly of what I have gone through. I also, unfortunately, have developed a few NEW symptoms recently, including non-stop tingling in my toes and feet. My nurse seems to think the tingling is probably nerve damage from the chemo drugs and it's unclear as to whether or not this issue will resolve or be permanent - only time will tell. But again, just another daily reminder that my body is still healing from a fairly traumatic year. Lastly, my first post-treatment CT/PET scan and my colon-part 2 surgery have both been scheduled (for January 2 and January 4, respectively.) I have known all along that these two "bridges" still needed to be crossed, but until recently, they seemed so far off in the distance. When I got the confirmation email from the surgeon's administrator this week, however, I realized with a wave of panic that these dates are only 3 weeks away! I am not ready to be back in the hospital for 4-5 days. I am not ready to feel run-over by a tractor again, albeit a smaller tractor than last time. I am dreading having to re-adjust once again to a new digestive system. I so desperately just want my old cancer-free body back.
And so, despite my attempts create a "normal" life in these past few weeks and to fill my days with a myriad of distractions, I know that my current life is not really a sustainable kind of "normal." It's more of a "this-is-really-fun-for-a-short-time-while-I-keep-my-mind-off- other-things" kind of normal. I don't have much desire to spend my days working out, lunching with friends, leisurely shopping, etc. This lifestyle works for some woman, but it's not for me -- and not just because it's not financially sustainable for our family, either. While I have enjoyed having these past few weeks to relax and recover physically, I have not necessarily found myself spiritually or emotionally fulfilled. I have been pre-occupied; I have been distracted; I have been happy; I have been having fun. But this is definitely not a sense of "normal" that is going to make me feel emotionally healthy and balanced (e.g., so that I do not immediately fall into a panic every time I have an approaching scan or similar test), nor will it make me feel spiritually happy or fulfilled long-term.
And so, therein lies my challenge for 2008: I need to figure out how to retain all the things that I love about my current state of "normal" (e.g., having time to spend with my kids, getting stronger physically) while also introducing new things which will give my life a greater sense of purpose and a greater sense of emotional balance. I was joking with a couple girlfriends of mine about the fact that, before my diagnosis, I was constantly struggling -- as every working mom does -- to figure out how to balance career and family. And as if that were not challenging enough, I have now added the additional requirement that the career piece must be meaningful and purposeful. Ugh -- this damn cancer experience has made my life exponentially harder! So creating a new purpose-driven, healthy, balanced, happy life is my goal for 2008. It's a heck of a New Year's Resolution, don't you think?
Anyway, my apologies to all of you who have faithfully and regularly checked my blog these past 5+ weeks and have been blinded by the silence from me. I desperately needed a break from cancer life for awhile and I appreciate your understanding and support during my "hibernation." With my surgery and tests approaching (and with my holiday shopping almost done!), I will definitely post more regular updates going forward.
There are a number of reasons why I haven't written in weeks. The most simple and clear-cut is that life with kids (especially during the holidays) can be crazy busy, as many of you know. But I cannot blame my silence entirely on that -- I would be exaggerating to say that I haven't had one spare moment to write in the last 5 weeks and that it's entirely because of the kids. I think that the real reason I haven't written is more complicated and can, in part, be attributed to the fact that once my chemo treatment ended I was so incredibly ready to embrace a "normal" cancer-free life again and writing regularly in my blog didn't necessarily fit into that picture. While it definitely took a couple weeks after my final treatment for me to start feeling a sense of relief (it's hard to truly feel "relief" when you still feel completely lousy), once I started feeling well there was no holding back. I have embraced "normalcy" with every ounce of strength that I have: I am back to my old routine of dropping the kids off at school and picking them up every day, I try to work out 4-5 times a week, our house is beautifully decorated for the holidays and much of my Christmas shopping is done, I am immersed in a pro-bono marketing consulting project for the American Cancer Society and have also been talking to a number of other companies about paid consulting work (which I hope to start in February, but more on that later), and Pete and I (or just me when Pete is working late) are trying to pack in loads of fun holiday activities with the kids. All very "normal", all very time-consuming, and all a very welcome reprieve and distraction from thinking about cancer.
I don't mean to imply that everything is totally peachy-keen. While I am definitely feeling better than I did during my chemo weeks, I still have lingering symptoms which remind me constantly of what I have gone through. I also, unfortunately, have developed a few NEW symptoms recently, including non-stop tingling in my toes and feet. My nurse seems to think the tingling is probably nerve damage from the chemo drugs and it's unclear as to whether or not this issue will resolve or be permanent - only time will tell. But again, just another daily reminder that my body is still healing from a fairly traumatic year. Lastly, my first post-treatment CT/PET scan and my colon-part 2 surgery have both been scheduled (for January 2 and January 4, respectively.) I have known all along that these two "bridges" still needed to be crossed, but until recently, they seemed so far off in the distance. When I got the confirmation email from the surgeon's administrator this week, however, I realized with a wave of panic that these dates are only 3 weeks away! I am not ready to be back in the hospital for 4-5 days. I am not ready to feel run-over by a tractor again, albeit a smaller tractor than last time. I am dreading having to re-adjust once again to a new digestive system. I so desperately just want my old cancer-free body back.
And so, despite my attempts create a "normal" life in these past few weeks and to fill my days with a myriad of distractions, I know that my current life is not really a sustainable kind of "normal." It's more of a "this-is-really-fun-for-a-short-time-while-I-keep-my-mind-off- other-things" kind of normal. I don't have much desire to spend my days working out, lunching with friends, leisurely shopping, etc. This lifestyle works for some woman, but it's not for me -- and not just because it's not financially sustainable for our family, either. While I have enjoyed having these past few weeks to relax and recover physically, I have not necessarily found myself spiritually or emotionally fulfilled. I have been pre-occupied; I have been distracted; I have been happy; I have been having fun. But this is definitely not a sense of "normal" that is going to make me feel emotionally healthy and balanced (e.g., so that I do not immediately fall into a panic every time I have an approaching scan or similar test), nor will it make me feel spiritually happy or fulfilled long-term.
And so, therein lies my challenge for 2008: I need to figure out how to retain all the things that I love about my current state of "normal" (e.g., having time to spend with my kids, getting stronger physically) while also introducing new things which will give my life a greater sense of purpose and a greater sense of emotional balance. I was joking with a couple girlfriends of mine about the fact that, before my diagnosis, I was constantly struggling -- as every working mom does -- to figure out how to balance career and family. And as if that were not challenging enough, I have now added the additional requirement that the career piece must be meaningful and purposeful. Ugh -- this damn cancer experience has made my life exponentially harder! So creating a new purpose-driven, healthy, balanced, happy life is my goal for 2008. It's a heck of a New Year's Resolution, don't you think?
Anyway, my apologies to all of you who have faithfully and regularly checked my blog these past 5+ weeks and have been blinded by the silence from me. I desperately needed a break from cancer life for awhile and I appreciate your understanding and support during my "hibernation." With my surgery and tests approaching (and with my holiday shopping almost done!), I will definitely post more regular updates going forward.
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