Carrying the Torch

It's been exactly two weeks since my friend, Bonnie, passed away and it's still so hard for me to believe that she is gone. Pete and I went to her memorial service a couple Sundays ago and were incredibly moved by how passionately her husband, Mike, spoke about her during his eulogy. I cannot possibly do justice to what an amazing, inspirational person she was...I realized after listening to Mike's eulogy that I really only knew a small piece of Bonnie, but I am blessed to have known even that part of her. Of course, I am heartbroken for her beautiful children and family who now must re-define for themselves a new sense of "normal" in her absence. But selfishly, I am also incredibly saddened for myself at her loss -- she was my "sherpa" on this crazy mountain climb of mine and I will miss her companionship immensely.

After the service, I hugged Mike and I told him that I will continue to carry the torch for Bonnie, and I sincerely mean that. Pete and I have stood at the same precipice as Bonnie and Mike. We know what it feels like to be given a diagnosis of "advanced cancer" -- the terror that grips your mind; the astonishing disbelief; the wild raging panic of feeling trapped inside a body, inside a life, that you do not want; the feeling of falling down, down, down and not knowing when your fall will stop.

But for some reason -- which I may never understand -- I was given permission to step back from the precipice. I was told that there is a strong chance my cancer will be cured. I was given the opportunity to dream again about my future. I was given hope. Unfortunately, the same was not true for Bonnie and only God knows why. My friend, Denis (who saw his own brother die from colon cancer just a couple years ago), told me the other day that he believes my ability to step back from the edge means that I now have "a big debt to repay," and I totally agree. There is a reason I was permitted to step back from the edge. I don't know yet what that reason is...it's something that I think about constantly...but I feel that carrying the torch for Bonnie is at least a small part of my repayment plan.

If you are interested, click here to link to Bonnie's blog where you can read the eulogy that was given by Mike and by her friends and family. I am sure that as you read this, you will feel the same way that I did during the service: that if I can accomplish even a fraction of what Bonnie did in her lifetime, if I can inspire even half as many people, I will have lived a truly blessed and beloved life.