What Next?

So I went in for my eighth and LAST chemo session this morning. Ironically, it almost didn't happen! Apparently, my white blood count is low (despite the extra bonus week that I got and despite the Neupogen shots) and Dr Gullion said that my liver function is also a bit abnormal. He was not surprised by either of these results given what I have been through, and I got the impression that, had this not been my last cycle, he would have delayed me again. Luckily, he didn't and we pressed forward. Hallelujah!!!

I actually cannot believe that I made it through all eight cycles of chemo -- when I came out of surgery five months ago, I was so depleted that I literally could not imagine how the heck I was going to make it to this day. It seemed like such an overwhelmingly daunting climb. I think that I am still in a state of shock, to be honest. The reality of being done hasn't really sunk in yet. This is probably partly because I am not exactly QUITE done yet...there are still a couple more things that still need to happen before I can say that I am truly at the top of this crazy mountain. Specifically, I am technically still undergoing chemo as I write this -- I have my continuous pump of 5-FU attached and won't get "unhooked" until this Wednesday.

Also, I still need to have two more surgeries. One of the surgeries is fairly minor (I need to remove the "caribiner"/port that I had implanted many moons ago.) The other surgery I am calling "Colon - Part 2." While this surgery is not as minor as the port-removal will be, it is supposedly much less intense than my abdominal surgery in June. I'll spare you the details, but I basically need to have some final adjustments made to my colon so that everything works properly. I knew in June that I would need to have this "Part 2" surgery done at some point, but I just couldn't think about it (and so didn't write about it) until now. I think that my mind could only process small bits of the journey at once, and now that chemo is almost completely behind me, I can open my mind to this next -- and truly last! -- section of the climb.

My surgeon says that I can have the surgery done at any point after Thanksgiving (he wants my body to be able to heal from chemo until then), but I decided that I need a longer break. I don't want to even think about cancer during the holidays and I certainly don't want to spend any time in the hospital (apparently, I'll be in for about 5 days again -- ugh!) All I want to do for the next couple months is relax, work on healing my poor body, gain some weight back (what a perfect time of year to be trying to gain weight, don't you think??) and just enjoy the magic of the holiday season with my family and friends. And so, since there is really no rush, I decided to hold off on both surgeries until early January.

So this is where we are...Today was a milestone day, no doubt. I feel like the most difficult sections of my mountain are behind me and I can finally breathe a slight sigh of relief. The top of my mountain is clearly in sight now, and I have faith that I will be there very soon. But for now, I am completely and utterly exhausted -- both physically and mentally -- and so I am going lay down quietly on the side of my mountain, just shy of the top, and rest for a bit. And, as I lay here, I can look around with wonder at how far I have climbed and reflect on how beautiful the climb has been at times. I know that sounds crazy to say, but it's true. I remember my friend, Cathy, telling me early on that during my cancer journey "blessings will unfold before me that I might never have recognized otherwise" and this is so true. In much the same way that other parts of this journey have fallen miraculously into place (such as having Michael and Miranda as neighbors, meeting Isabelle and Denis in church, having my liver freckle open the way for me to have surgery at UCSF, etc), I think that it's also fortuitous that my treatment is ending shortly before Thanksgiving. I cannot imagine a more amazing thing to be thankful for than the blessing of life and the love of friends and family that I have been given this year.