Mixed Emotions

Yesterday was full of such mixed emotions for me. I decided to reach out to a mom's group in my area to see if anyone in the group had experience dealing with advanced colon cancer. One mom wrote back and said "My brother-in-law died last year. It was awful. How can I help?" She later apologized for her response; she did not know that I was seeking info for myself. Needless to say, though, her response sent me into a fast downward tail-spin. The emotional rollercoast of cancer is unbelievable!! One minute I am feeling energized and writing about "Killing the Bitch!" and the next moment I am crumbling.

Luckily, I was able to stop the tail-spin by talking with this mom and her husband, Denis (it was his brother who had died). They shared with me that the enormous, life-costing mistake that Denis' brother made was to not go forward with the recommended surgery. He was told that he would end up needing a permanent colostomy (this is a procedure that results in the small intestine being routed out the abdomen and is done when there is not enough unaffected colon left to reattach) and he just couldn't fathom the thought of living that way. When he finally changed his mind -- 6 months later -- it was too late; the doctors opened him up, took one look inside, and closed him up again. Denis also shared that his brother never really took the cancer seriously -- he didn't change his diet, he didn't seek any additional opinions, he didn't even share his medical records with Denis (who is also a doctor) for almost a year. He just kept believing that the cancer was "surreal" and that it would somehow go away. Hearing this story gave me a ray of hope. Unfortunately for Denis and his wife, it is people like his brother who make up the statistics of non-survivors. But I have to believe that everything that Pete and I are doing will squarely land me in the survivor's camp.

Pete and I talked yesterday on the way to church and he helped to reinforce for me that I can no longer view my cancer as "surreal". This is my reality. This is my life. And if I don't start fighting this Bitch head-on, she will take my life. I cannot waste one ounce of energy being depressed or despairing about my situation. It is what it is and I need every bit of strength to go towards getting cured. As I laid in bed last night reflecting on this I began to finally and honestly get in fighting mode. I decided that every time I become weak, or despair, or begin to think about how life would be were I not to make it, that this is the cancer talking. This is the cancer's way of infecting my thoughts and disabling my will. This is the Bitch trying to slyly trick me into thinking that I can let down my guard. And I cannot let that happen!! This Bitch will NOT win!!!